Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
