It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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