and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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