Im at strip club and am horny
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.