My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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