Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
