When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
