My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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