i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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