Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Will exercising make me less horny?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
