I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
