I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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