y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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