It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
