I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
