I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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