Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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