im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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