Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
