So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
