I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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