To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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