Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found puke in my bra..
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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