My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is Oprah even human
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
