Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
