Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
