Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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