I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
