And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
