Your face is a jimmy john
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
