last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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