Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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