I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
