It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
