Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
