sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
