take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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