I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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