May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Randomize
