Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
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I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
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How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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