if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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