I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Sorry about my life...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
