Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
