You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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