Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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