she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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