Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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