I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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