If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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