The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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