ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
