My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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