I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
