i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Redeem this text for a blowjob
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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