As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
