our cab driver is having phone sex.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
