are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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