A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
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