I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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